BOLDNESS

What a crazy week!

I obviously haven't gotten my "write daily" challenge down yet. I have, however, made significant progress in changing my relationship with food over the past week. I've come to some pretty astounding realizations, too. Those things that I use food to cover up? Yeah....they're still there just waiting to rear their ugly heads. I think that the biggest thing, the root of it all, I don't have a firm grasp on who I am. I get glimpses now and again, but in all honesty, I keep reverting back to, but I did this, that and that crap back there.

Timidity. It has to go. As I was praying last night, the word BOLDNESS kept coming to me. Boldness has been a character trait in the past, but it was rooted in entirely ungodly motives. My boldness was a tool for darkness. I honestly believe that the reason I physically couldn't hold a tune for the entire time I was wandering in the wilderness as a heathen is because I would have used what God wants to use for His purpose for evil.

I know that I have the type of voice that when I'm really singing -- singing because I feel it, singing without caring what it sounds like, singing for the expression of it -- people listen...and they're moved. If I had been able to carry a tune in my darkness and confusion, I'd have sung only death, sin and darkness, yet it would be a bastardized version of what God has planned for me. People would have followed. They would have jumped right in the proverbial handbasket with me and we'd have partied ourselves straight to hell. I knew I was a rock star just waiting to happen. Others did, too. There was something holding me back, though, beyond the fact that I couldn't even sing along with the radio in the right key ... (riddle me that, batman)

God pulled me from the wreckage of that life. It was in shambles when I landed before Him, yet he knew just what to do, just how to approach me and get me to do what He wanted me to do. I wanted His help, but did I ever want to be involved in leading worship? Fat chance! No way, no how, not gonna do it!!! You can't make me!!!! What?!!! Sing?!!!! In front of people?!!!!! To God?!!! You can't be serious.

Yet, He was.

It's exactly what He wanted from me, and even though I didn't know it at the time, it's exactly what I needed.

And guess what? I'm learning right now as I go through my Sunday school class and independently seek freedom that the boldness I once had will return. This time, though, it will be Godly. I will know once and for all who I am and whose I am. Complete freedom lies in the wait. All I have to do is continue to press in and look to Him.