BOLDNESS

What a crazy week!

I obviously haven't gotten my "write daily" challenge down yet. I have, however, made significant progress in changing my relationship with food over the past week. I've come to some pretty astounding realizations, too. Those things that I use food to cover up? Yeah....they're still there just waiting to rear their ugly heads. I think that the biggest thing, the root of it all, I don't have a firm grasp on who I am. I get glimpses now and again, but in all honesty, I keep reverting back to, but I did this, that and that crap back there.

Timidity. It has to go. As I was praying last night, the word BOLDNESS kept coming to me. Boldness has been a character trait in the past, but it was rooted in entirely ungodly motives. My boldness was a tool for darkness. I honestly believe that the reason I physically couldn't hold a tune for the entire time I was wandering in the wilderness as a heathen is because I would have used what God wants to use for His purpose for evil.

I know that I have the type of voice that when I'm really singing -- singing because I feel it, singing without caring what it sounds like, singing for the expression of it -- people listen...and they're moved. If I had been able to carry a tune in my darkness and confusion, I'd have sung only death, sin and darkness, yet it would be a bastardized version of what God has planned for me. People would have followed. They would have jumped right in the proverbial handbasket with me and we'd have partied ourselves straight to hell. I knew I was a rock star just waiting to happen. Others did, too. There was something holding me back, though, beyond the fact that I couldn't even sing along with the radio in the right key ... (riddle me that, batman)

God pulled me from the wreckage of that life. It was in shambles when I landed before Him, yet he knew just what to do, just how to approach me and get me to do what He wanted me to do. I wanted His help, but did I ever want to be involved in leading worship? Fat chance! No way, no how, not gonna do it!!! You can't make me!!!! What?!!! Sing?!!!! In front of people?!!!!! To God?!!! You can't be serious.

Yet, He was.

It's exactly what He wanted from me, and even though I didn't know it at the time, it's exactly what I needed.

And guess what? I'm learning right now as I go through my Sunday school class and independently seek freedom that the boldness I once had will return. This time, though, it will be Godly. I will know once and for all who I am and whose I am. Complete freedom lies in the wait. All I have to do is continue to press in and look to Him.

have it Your way

I'd say I've made a bit of progress so far... Today is the first day in a LONG time that I've not had any refined sugars. (and it's only taken me 3 days and feeling like punching people in the face for 2 of them to get here)

How sad, really. When a person knows that food is an addictive substance to them, yet they ignore it. I've not used food properly -- as fuel for my body -- for about 2 years now. There are, of course, other factors that have contributed to my weight gain, but I'll be honest...I did this to myself.

So, here I am again, retraining myself to crave the right types and amounts of food. To enjoy moving my body. To react appropriately when the urge to stuff my face with sugar or massive amounts of any other pleasurable food strikes. In OA it's labeled abstinence. The entire object is to work the 12-step program to obtain and maintain abstinence from compulsive overeating. I've used the 12-step program before. I'm going to use principles I learned to rework the program again, but the emphasis now, for this moment in time is -- God.

I am powerless to make these changes on my own, but God...

I submit myself to the life that God wants for me.

I want what God has in store for me which is complete freedom from the bondages that have held me down my entire life. If it wasn't food it was a myriad of other vices.

This is the year. This is the time that it ends. God has called me to where I am. I am here only because I followed His beckoning.

I push on knowing where I'm going is equally powerful in God's love and grace as the hell I've been through was destructive.

Have Your way.

but...it's...cold...

So, I've been really pondering how to go about changing the things in my life that I want to see changed. It seems like such a daunting task, but I know that babysteps will eventually add up to much ground covered. (babysteps to the elevator...)

Basically, I've come up with an overall plan, and the first couple of babysteps on how to get there. The large goal I've laid out for myself this year is the Zoo Run in the fall for the polar bears. Obviously, I'll have to implement some type of exercise regimine and tear myself away from the refined sugars that make up the majority of my personal food pyramid.

As for exercise, my husband once said to me that I'm never truly happy unless I'm out there (pointing out the window) running around. I have to admit, he's right. I have little to no interest in the gym. The most physically fit I've ever been in my life was when I didn't own a car and traipsed hither and yon on a daily basis. Torrential downpour? Still had to go. Snow up to my kneecaps? Still had to go. Icy enough that I fell three times getting across the street? Still had to go.

So, with this in mind, I woke up this morning with the idea that I was going to do some sort of physical activity outside despite negative temperature wind chills and snow. I didn't want to on any level. I did, however, wind up spending time outside with my kids and my parents helping them get their driveway shoveled. Score 1!! Physical activity outside achieved!!

I won't lie. It sucked. I did realize, though, that the entire idea of physically exerting oneself outside in extremely cold weather is really not all that bad. Once I really started working, the cold didn't really matter all that much. In fact, I worked up a sweat. Next challenge: continue. Work up a sweat again tomorrow even if all I do is walk down the block. My goal for the month is to walk at least five days a week through January to build a fitness base to begin actually training for running.

Foodwise? I don't want to get caught up in a diet. I don't want to be restricted on what I can and can't have, when I can eat and whether or not it's going to blow some plan that was made up by someone who is obsessed with every morsel that enters their mouth. Obsession - bad. Learning behavior for lifetime rewards - excellent. I'm still not 100% positive as to what approach I'm going to take, but my first babystep is to fall back in love with drinking water.

As for my goal of writing daily . . . 2 days down. Today's ramblings seem to be just that . . . ramblings. I don't really see gems here, I'm just happy I wrote again regardless of what came out. I'm sure as I move through the next month I'll think of more things to say other than "what the hell am I doing?!".

Oh well...

the polar bears need my help

So, here I am, venturing into the unkown (to me) world of blogging. I've steered clear of blogs for quite some time, being slow to pick up on the technology raging around me. Borrowing a line from Erykah Badu, I'm definitely an analog girl in a digital world. I prefer pen to paper or manual typewriters over computers; vinyl will always beat out CDs . . . and mp3s are only to get me through a workout, thanks.

My point to all of this: there are several key components to who I am that I've not been cultivating. My goal through blogging is to reopen these areas of my life to growth.

First, I am a writer. I always have been, and wish to always be expressive through writing. I haven't been doing so, though. I'm in an incredibly undisciplined place right now. Rather than writing daily as I know does wonderful things for my psyche, I'm really doing something if I write anything once a month. Thus, challenge to self #1: blog daily. My main goal is not acquiring readers, but the actual process of writing daily and recognizing the gems that appear from that process.

Second, I love adventure. I am the down-for-whatever type, but my physical state is such that I have the energy, strength and flexibility to be down for only what I can survive before I fall to the ground clutching my chest and gasping for air . . . and even that I do slowly. Through a series of truly insane events (including a year of prescription anti-depressants & anti-psychotics . . . hey, I don't pull out the italics for nothing) that I won't bore you with, I've put on enough weight that I'm starting to not recognize myself. In the process of recovering mental, emotional and spiritual health, my physical health has suffered tremendously. Challenge to self #2: move body and regain physical health.

These two challenges to myself are the inspiration for this blog. Simply saying "I'm going to get back into writing" or "I'm going to get back into shape" will do very little for me. What are my specific goals? How do I plan on achieving them? What is my timeframe for my short and long term goals? Chances are, if you're reading this I've invited you to, which, in part, answers the question of how I'm going to hold myself accountable for actually working toward the goals I lay out.

To start out, I'll simply be blogging daily which is, admittedly, a pretty big challenge for myself. I'll work out the answers to the questions I've asked in my daily blogs, and eventually begin seeing my goals reached. That's the theory at least.

The timeframe I'm shooting for . . . I aim to blog daily until the Kansas City Zoo Run in the fall of 2010, which I plan to enter and complete. Hey, it's not a marathon, so I have more than ample time to train for it. It's an annual, short race through the zoo that benefits a different endangered animal each year. This year, the polar bears will reap reward from my efforts. Yes, it is a race, and yes, it is chip-timed, but honestly, the only people I'm competing against are me and all the voices in my head.

So, there you have it. My first entry. My husband is looking at me like I'm a fool for starting a blog . . . maybe I am, but we'll see what happens.